


IF I COULD TELL HIM

by comicsandtea



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Cute, Fluff, M/M, Swearing, it's warm for the heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 08:19:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10805319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comicsandtea/pseuds/comicsandtea
Summary: AU where Evan and Connor were actually friends.





	1. Really?

**Author's Note:**

> Grammar errors from Connor are intended :)

TOPIC: Really?

 

BODY:

 

Evan  

I dont get your need for us to use a secret email so we can talk i get that your worried about people find out, which I don’t actually get at all like i'd be more worried about you wanting to be around me but whatever.

 

But seriously?? new secret emails?

 

My family doesn’t check my emails.

 

Who even emails anymore anyway??

 

But hey i’ll take that as a weird thing of yours how’re you doing anyway?

 

Connor

 

 

 

RE TOPIC: Really?

BODY:

 

No, no, I'm not embarrassed or anything I just thought you wouldn’t want anyone to know that we talk you know? Sorry I’m just stupid and a loser >_<

I thought emails would be kind of cool y’know like a letter but digital? I don’t know.

 

But yeah I’m okay.

 

Evan

  

 

RE TOPIC: Really?

 

BODY:

 

Is your therapist trying to get you to write those stupid letters? It seriously sounds so bullshit tbh

 

Digital letters? Oh my god.

 

Dude, just text me, you’ve got my number than I can reply faster. Just like talking but you don’t need to make physical contact, I think you’d like that better.

 

Don’t call yourself a loser you’re not that bad.

 

Text me.

 

Connor

RE TOPIC: Really?

BODY:

 

Oh yeah, texting is a thing, and I do like that . . . can we still send emails? We don’t have to as much but I think I would like it or something, even if it’s just a once a week thing.

 

I know it’s stupid but I kind of like it??

 

It's kind of like a memory to look back on and kind of more real than text? It probably doesn't make sense, I don't make sense

 

You don’t have to reply, I’ll text you after I send this.

 

Evan

 

RE TOPIC: Really?

 

BODY:

 

We can still email.

 

Connor

 

 

RE TOPIC: Really?

 

BODY:

 

Thank you so much.

Evan


	2. Dear Evan Hansen

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a great day._

_Because Connor and you messaged until 3AM last night (even though that was probably a very bad idea because you will most likely be tired at school and then when the teacher asks you a question and you don’t answer everyone is going to turn around and see that you’re sleeping and they’ll all laugh at you because you're a complete loser and only made more of a fool of yourself and they’ll draw dicks on your face which then Connor will see and you’ll make a fool of yourself in front of him and it will only prove more to him how much of a loser you are). And even though I’m not really comfortable with being around him in public because I’ll embarrass him and make him look like a loser but I can text him so that will be the next big step._

_Sincerely,_

_Me._


	3. Pizza Sounds Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, Connor grammar mistakes are intended :)
> 
> leave requests if you wish x

 

CONNOR

I saw that kid in math talk shit to u, do you need me to beat him?

 

            EVAN

No, no, it’s fine! Haha, nothing's wrong ^^’

 

Evan he pushed u.

 

He was just joking around! Don’t worry, it’s all good haha

Liar.

 

You don’t have to lie to me

 

I’ll deck him

 

Please don’t

 

It’s nothing,

 

I swear

 

I’m pretty sure I just got in the way haha

 

If u say so.

 

I’m gonna come over after school

 

 

NO!

 

I mean

 

You really don’t want to meet my mom.

 

She’ll be super weird and it’ll be embarrassing.

 

You don’t need that, the endless questions and stuff

 

 

Clam down its not like I'm your boyfriend

 

But ok can you say you need to gostudy?

 

Yeah I’ll think of something

 

Where are we going?

The park

 

ill get the pizza


	4. Library

Connor would be lying if he had ever said that he never noticed the local school nerd Evan Hansen (even though the two had their secret routine talks every day). As far as Evan Hansen knew, at lunch, Connor would sit where he pleased and not pay mind to anyone. Evan had always imagined Connor to listen to his music at the highest volume while he ate, he would never imagine that the Murphy boy would ever notice him at lunch – apart from the days where he would make a complete fool of himself and get pushed or bullied by another student, everyone would see those times, Connor was no acceptation.

 

But Connor did notice Evan, he at times would watch the boy sit alone at lunch, back hunched over blocking out the world as he ate his sandwich. There had been moments where Connor had wondered if it would be better off that he sits by Evan during lunch so he wasn’t alone, but Evan was always so persistent that no one would want to see Evan Hansen hanging around Connor Murphy and that it would cause trouble, that he would embarrass Connor.

 

In honesty, Connor couldn’t give a single shit about what people would think if people saw the two of them sitting together. What was the worst they could do? Talk shit? That’s just pathetic. Be physical? Well, Connor would just fight back and tell them to get a life. He could never understand Evan’s persistence on the matter. But still, every day, he obeyed, he knew Evan’s anxiety was high and that he didn’t want or like the idea of other people knowing about it.

 

Today was different, however, while Connor glanced at the boy, hunched over eating his lunch blocking out the world and everyone had their own conversations not even noticing that he was there, Connor leaned over ripping a page from his book and grabbed a pen.

 

Evan sat with his sandwich in his hands, maybe if he just concentrated on holding the sandwich his heart rate would slow down and his hands would stop shaking. He wasn’t hungry; he barely had an appetite while at school, especially when he could sense the hungry eyes of the students all around him. They could see he was sitting alone, they could see that there was no one who would want to sit with him. They were all staring, they were all judging, they all were, they’re all laughing at him.

 

He pulled out his phone, _distract yourself, Evan . . ._ he scrolled around on social media, nothing working or filling in that space that felt like it needed to be filled otherwise he would explode. He went into his emails and scrolled around seeing if anything new had popped up.

 

Nothing.

 

He looked at the email thread between him and Connor. He opened it, even though he didn’t fully know why he wanted to since he had already read what each of them had said, it wasn’t as though a new message from Connor would suddenly pop up.

 

But he could feel his body coming at ease. Seeing the thread, reading what they said to each other, the knowledge that he had a friend of some kind, it made him calm, he could even feel a small smile on his lips as he scrolled through them.

 

The joyous feeling from reading the emails did not distract Evan of the shadow that was coming for him, he exited the emails and pretended to check his texts, despite not having any. He stayed hunched over hoping whoever it was would leave him alone and not try to embarrass him . . . again.

 

He jumped slightly when a folded piece of paper was thrown onto his lap, he looked at it and looked up to see Connor walking past him, not acknowledging him – just like how Evan would always tell him to act.

 

He looked down at the note, Connor could have just texted him, why go through the effort of writing a note and sneaking it over.

 

 

_Dear Evan Hansen_

_You don’t want me there I know. But meet me in the library._

_Sincerely,_

_Your secret friend._

“Evan, it’s kind of awkward when you don’t talk to your only friend at school,” Connor sighed, sitting on one of the study desks in the library while Evan sat against the bookshelf on the floor beside Connor, “and you have to speak to them only through text or secret emails.”

 

The library was deserted. Unless it was exam time, no one every used it during lunch times, Evan wondered if teachers even bothered to come during lunch at these times, to which his current answer was no they don’t but that felt more like luck on his part.

 

“I know but I just-”

 

“I know you get anxious or you think you’ll embarrass me or something along those lines, but I really don’t care what people think if I sit with you at fucking _lunch_.”

 

Evan just looked down, not sure what to say.

 

Connor took a breath in before sliding off the desk and sitting on the floor next to Evan, “what’s the worst that can happen? I mean, we’re both freaks, we can be freaks together.”

 

He was still silent, hugging his knees.

 

Connor tilted his head slightly; his eyes narrowing in concern, “Or are you worried that I’ll embarrass you?” the thought had been on his mind, he had just preferred to push it to the back of his mind and pretend there was no way that that would be possible.

 

Whatever force had Evan’s mouth entrapped and sewed shut had now disappeared and he immediately turned to face him, his cheeks feeling hot, “No, no, no! I don’t think you’ll embarrass me no, no!”

 

“Then what is it?”

 

“I don’t know,” he sighed in defeat, “I’m just stupid.”

 

“You’re not stupid, Evan.”

 

“I am,” he defended.

 

“You’re not, I know stupid, and you're two-thirds not stupid.”

 

“What about the third?”

 

“You’re one-third dork.”

 

He smiled slightly and looked up at Connor, “Your math has gotten better.”

 

The crow’s feet became visible as he smiled, despite his shoulder length hair framing his face as he looked down at Evan, “that’s because I have a nerd that’s patient with my bullshit.”


	5. Dear Evan Hansen

TOPIC: DEAR EVAN HANSEN

BODY:

Dear Evan Hansen,

How was your day today? Good classes? Wow I had a great day it was simply fabulous, my teachers suck but so does everyone so who am I to judge? 

Expecting your reply,

Sincerely, your bestest friend x

 

RE TOPIC: DEAR EVAN HANSEN

BODY: 

Okay you didn’t have to be an asshole when I said I liked the emails. 

Also, thanks for sitting with me at lunch today, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would end up being. 

Do you need help with your homework? 

Evan Hansen

 

RE TOPIC: DEAR EVAN HANSEN

BODY:

Dear Evan Hansen,

Ok ok I’ll be more chill jeeeez

Don’t worry about it, I told you I’d end up doing it even if you didn’t want me to ;)

And lol what? You're not my slave, however, if that means you want to take your homework with you while we go out somewhere then yes totally need “help” with my homework

Sincerely,

your friend

The Connor Murphy


	6. Tree Nerd

To: EVAAAAAN 

yo Evan 

To: The Connor Murphy

Hey, what's up?

so you're going to be working at that national park for a lil during the break right?

Yeah? What about it?

are you gonna spend the whole summer there?

Why do you want to know?

no reason 

just curious 

Is someone jealous?

Of trees for that matter?

pfft me? no 

but how long will you be gone?

or when will u be back?

All summer

oh 

I'm kidding!

I'll be back for the last week

yes!

well cool yeah awesome 

You're acting like more of a dork than me

impossible 

also make sure you message me while you're gone 

cant stand these losers her e 

*here 

but of course, I might not have service but I will when I get chances 

nerd

but thanks 


	7. Dear Evan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember, typos on Connor's part are intentional x

TOPIC: HEY

 

BODY:

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_We’ve been way too out of touch over these school holidays, you've been off doing your tree nerd shit and I've been_ cooked _up at home by myself (well my family is here but that's basically the same if you stay in your room or anywhere to be away from them). Things have been crazy at home and it seriously sucks that we haven’t talked that much._

 _I need to tell you that life while you’ve been gone has been rough and I miss talking to you. I know that you_ cant _always keep in contact with me because you’re really busy being a park ranger or whatever it is with the parks and trees and stuff, but I want to know if maybe we can meet up at some point in the holidays and just chill out? I haven't heard from you at all over these holidays and I guess that it's kinda getting to me? That_ doesnt _make any_ sense _does it? *insert sigh of annoyance here*_

_Things at home haven’t been the best. I love my parents but each day is just another fight, I mess up and say things I don’t mean to say to them and I know it hurts them, I don't mean to hurt them but I just get so mad . . . you know what I did in kindergarten but I don't know you get my outbursts, even though no one should have to go through the process of trying to understand them. I know mom tries to understand but I know dad and Zoe have given up on me. I don’t think they would notice or care if I went away, not that I blame them in all honesty. But I feel like you might miss me? Part of me feels like maybe if I stop smoking pot that things might get better but it’s just pot. I’m not taking LSD or something._

_I guess I need some advice or just someone to talk to right now._

_I really miss you._

_I'm really lost rn, I dont know what to do, ive been more depressed and the thought of killing myself has crossed more than usual latly. It's not your fault though I just miss you, you make me calm, knowing your arround makes me feel better, but i know how hard your life can be so I know not to bare this burden on you, you know I'm not too mentally stable but you dont know all of it. I dont want you to, you dont deserve to have your mind go dark like mine. i care about you too much for that too happen._

_Sometimes when the nights are hard I get up and I write these to you, I don’t know why but it makes me feel better, because sometimes when it’s dark or it’s been a shit day I lay awake and I think of you and, What Would Evan Hansen do? And I write these for you, my finger hovers over the send button but I can never bring myself to send them. They just stay in drafts._

_I guess a part of me likes to talk to you, and a part of me wishes I was game enough to actually send these emails instead of just saving them in drafts. Maybe one day. Maybe when Im better at writing I'll send one. i see heaps of red lines in this email but i dont see the point in even trying to fix it._

_But for today this will remain in drafts._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Connor Murphy._

Connor's mouse hovered over the send button, part of him tempted to send the message, his heart pounded, his thoughts raced. He sighed before clicking on the _save draft_  button. 

He paused for a moment before taking out his phone and sending a quick text before putting on his headphones and laying down in bed.

 

TO: Tree boy 

hey whats up tree fucker?


	8. It's been a while

TIME: 02:19

TOPIC: it's been a while 

BODY:

Dear Evan,

I heard you're back, well Zoe told me she said something about seeing you getting snacks at the store or something. So I was wondering if you want to hang out tomorrow?

It's been crazy long and we haven't really talked and stuff

You're probably sleeping right now tho so I'll see your reply sometime tomorrow? or a text?

I'll hear from you then.

Connor Murphy.


	9. Who's crazy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grammar and spelling mistakes are intended

Dear Connor Murphy

You fucked up you fucked up you fucked up you fucked up you fucked up so bad holy shit you've fucked up so much fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuucccckkkkkkkk

You just sent Evan Hansen Evan  _FUCKING_ Hansen! AT 2 IN THE FUCKING MORNING 

You've fucked yo you've fucked up you fucked up you've f u c k e d u p 

And as if writing this shit in a fucking journal is going to do shit why cant the world have a fucking rewind button 

hes going to think youre pathetic 

you cant last without him

he knows your alone without him

he knows

he knows your worthless

he knows you cant do shit

hes going to leave you

get better friends

anyones better than you

youre so dumb 

youre so fucking dumb

why couldnt you wait 

and mentioning Zoe??? she didnt even tell you you asked her if she saw you when you saw that he was active on facebook fucking messenger 

calm down connor you piece of shit 

you fucking idiot 

fucking idiot 

fucking dipshit 

hes going to hate you

youve fucked up

I wish I never sent the email

dont cry connor you fucking worthless piece of shit

just go to bed. 


	10. Dear Connor Murphy

He groaned as he rolled over, his eyelids feeling heavy as he opened to them.

04:37

That's what the alarm clock said when he looked over at him. It wouldn't be going off anytime soon. He hated these moments. The moments of waking up in the early hours in the morning only to see that he could have slept for another three hours, of course, his body would refuse to rest again, he would remain awake for the rest of this time. Even if he really just wanted to go back to sleep.

He reached over for his phone that was charging on his bedside table, might as well scroll through social media if you're not going to fall asleep anytime soon. It had become a bad habit for Evan. He pulled the phone out of the charger and unlocked it. The usual boring stuff, it was a mindless activity that usually made the time pass by faster. However, this morning, nothing seemed of interest. He would have thought that after being gone for so long that he would have at least have had a lot to catch up on, but here he saw, just the same old shit, some internet drama, pictures of pets, people saying that they weren't looking forward to going back to school.

He was about to put his phone back on the bedside and try to get back to sleep, before seeing a few notifications in his emails. Probably spam or those YouTube update emails that never seemed to go to the Junk Folder, probably best to delete them now and get it out of the way. As he scrolled through, reading the subject lines and deleting them after deeming it worth looking back on or not - none of them were worthy. He thought he had deleted all of them but when he exited the app he saw that there was still a notification that said he still had one unread email. He reopened it and checked, the VIP inbox had a small "1" indicating where the message was coming from. That could only be from one person. 

With excitement, his body seeming to go through an automatic response of fight and flight, a smile immediately appeared on his face as he opened it.

The email was shorter than what he was used to, even for Connor, and seemed to be - well, bored. Maybe he was just tired? He hoped Connor wasn't mad at him, a panic attack threatened to come as the thought passed his mind but Evan focus on his breathing, he was probably tired, it's okay, it's okay.

He decided to text him back.

 

TO: The Connor Murphy 

Hey Connor! I'm sorry I didn't message sooner, I hope you're not mad at me

Do you want to hang tomorrow? I've missed you 


	11. Dear Me

ok Conner, chill out

he replied, he replied, thank god he replied.

and! he! wants! to! hAng!

Evan Hansen! wants to hang!!1! with u 

dont be a dumbass 

please i beg of you

heres luck to us buddy 


End file.
